Making New Friends: How to ATTRACT your future BFF… With Confidence.

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Ever wonder if someone would WANT to be your friend? You know, you meet someone, think they’re awesome, you’d really like to be THEIR friend… but would they want to be YOURS?


And then you start listing all the reasons why they probably wouldn’t want to be your friend… and then get self conscious, and then start overthinking what you’re saying, and then get trapped in your head, and the feel awkward, and then there’s an awkward pause, and then you look awkward, and then the conversation dies, or the other person goes away…

Somerset-County-Confidence-and-Self-Esteem-Counciling

But it’s all in our head! We create a self- fulfilling prophesy when all we wanted was to connect with an awesome person to make the kind of friends we see other people having.

You know, the friends who make us laugh, who like what we like, who call on a Friday night to invite us out, or come over on a Tuesday to hang and watch a movie. Who are there for us when we need a friend, and who call us when they need support. You know, the kind of friendships where we can just show us as we are, and be liked.

We’d like to be able to feel good enough to get to be friends with these kind of people.

I’m with you. I used to feel this way too before I learned the essential paradigm shift that ensures that I never get on the “I’m not good enough” roller coaster. If you follow the steps below you’ll KNOW the people who you’re talking with would want to be your friend- no question- no doubt- mega self confidence from a deep place of inner solidity.

Let me explain…

En route to creating the friendships and social circle we really want, lots of us feel trapped with thoughts that I’m not good enough, cool enough, smart enough, good looking enough, don’t know enough that I’m not SOMETHING enough in order to get to be friends with the people we really want to be friends with.

99.9% of us have some version of the “I need to be SOMETHING enough” story, and that’s ok. It’s normal, but luckily… it’s not true, and I’ll let you in on a secret that the cool kids don’t want you to know…

The “I’m not good enough” trap is B.S.
Pardon me, but it is.

I used to think that I had to be athletic enough to be someone’s friend. What do sports have to do with friendship? I mean really…

Anyone who thinks you need to be different from how you are is caught in the “I’m not good enough” trap themselves. It’s like a bird who’s stepped into a cage, and closed the door and is telling all the other birds that they’re stupid if they want to fly. That they won’t be their friend anymore if they don’t also put themselves in cages. It’s ridiculous. Close friendship is based upon being free to be ourselves, and be liked how we are.

And even if you meet someone who’s so caught in their own sense that they have to be SOMETHING enough to be accepted that they put the same standards on you, that’s the recipe for shallow friendships based upon external sameness… so unless you want to settle for unsatisfying surface friendships over close meaningful ones, their “I’m not good enough trap” doesn’t matter. You can simply choose not to settle, and to keep going looking for the people who will come fly with you.

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There are two steps to escaping the “I’m not good enough trap”.

1. Be an awesome friend.

2. Own that you are, and don’t buy into the B.S. story that you’re not (yours or other people’s).

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Let’s start by looking at the characteristics of being a good friend
(aka: holding up your end of a close friendship):

Great company: I’m in, no drama.
I’m easygoing, both offering suggestions on what we do, and am open to doing what you want too. It’s your company that I enjoy the most, and it’s about spending time with you as much as it’s about what we’re actually doing together.

Accept the whole person: I think you’re awesome, and I let you know.

I tell my friend the things I like about them, and find other ways to show them too. I don’t focus upon their faults but celebrate their strengths. I accept them as they are, just as they are and don’t need them to change in any way in order to be my friend. I see them, and I accept what I see.

Honest communication: I share my opinions and how I’m feeling too.
I tell my friend my honest opinion when they ask for it, as well as share who I am with them, inside and out. I know that honest communication isn’t just about what I say, it’s about showing up as my whole self, no mask. I trust in my friend to respect my opinions and who I am, and know that by doing this they can show up honestly too.

Respectful: That’s cool.

I deeply respect my friend and their opinions. I know that trust is built from respect and that friendship required both. I never diss my friend or put them down in any way (even joking) but instead I respect and create space for them to be how they are. I like it this way because then I can receive respect and feel safe in my friendships too.

Great listener: I’m interested in what you’re saying (and how you’re feeling).

I’m genuinely interested in what they have to say.

There for my friend: I’ve got your back.
If my friend asks for help, I’m there for them. It feels so good to know that I have the ability to really help someone who’s important to me. I know they’re there for me too but that’s not why I do it. I help because I genuinely care. 

Prioritize our friendship: Sure, I’ll be there!

I make time for my friend both on a regular basis and in special circumstances when they need extra support. I know that life is a balance, so I make time from work and obligations for my friendships too. I say yes to attending things that are important to them if I can, and I invite them to things that are important to me too.

Ask for what you need: Would you mind…?

I respect myself and my own needs and clear boundaries. I don’t ever demand anything, but if I don’t feel comfortable with the way something is I ask politely if my friend would be open to listening, and to helping me to get what I need in a situation. I understand that they have a choice too, but it’s up to me to ask, they can’t read my mind.

Supportive: You can do it!
I support my friend in their goals and achievements. I check in on the things that are important to them, and offer support where I can. This may be moral support, or offering a hand. I love watching them succeed and grow in life. I’m like their best advocate, and totally believe in their ability to make their dreams reality.

Time together & time apart: Space is cool too.
I respect my friend’s need for personal space, alone time, and time with others. I don’t take it personally if they’re busy with other things for a little while. I just let them know that I care, and that I want to spend time with them. I book a time for the future for us to hang out, or check back to see how I can help make life easier for them during a busy time.

Come fly with me: I’m living life fully- come join!
I do what I want and LOVE it. Other people are free to be how they want to be, but I don’t let that get in my way if it’s different. Instead, I simply invite them to come join if they want to. My enthusiasm and love for what I love makes people attracted to me, and even if they aren’t into my stuff, I’m cool with that too. I just keep doing me & let them do the same.

Sounds pretty good, hey? To be friends with people like this…?

Let me tell you that it feels pretty good to BE a friend like this too.

Let’s get started on that.

In order to BE a great friend, and OWN that you are you need to do ONE thing…


Stop judging yourself and accept your awesomeness.

You have everything it takes to be liked and to be accepted and to form deep and lasting friendships.

Like & Value yourself. If you enjoy who YOU are, then other people will too.

The most important piece to understand in attracting the kind of friends we’d really want is, “We attract who we are.” Own what you have to offer as a friend, a true friend, and you’ll own those awesome qualities that exist in you already.

Ok, but if you’re like most of us we’ve been TRYING to be “enough” for so long that the judgement voice is pretty loud in the head, ya?

That’s where taking a look at REALITY comes in, and acting accordingly. Here’s how to make the leap from self-judgement (and the “good enough trap”) into “come fly with me” awesomeness and close satisfying friendships:

Follow these steps to banish the “not good enough” story from your head forever so you can own your awesomeness and show up as the great friend you already are…

ACTION STEPS to escape the “I’m not good enough” story so you can step up to be a great friend (& know it):


Step 1:
Take out a piece of paper. Write at the top, “Reasons why I make a good friend”.

Go ahead and get a piece of paper. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.


Step 2:
Write down all the reasons that you make a good friend.

If you get stuck, refer back to the list of characteristics of being a close friend… Go through each one being very honest with yourself and write down the ones that you know, in your heart, you bring to the friendship table.


Step 3:
Own your great friend qualities.


Read over your list. Stop to recognize how much you already have to offer to other people and what a good friend you would be. Really own it.
If this is uncomfortable for you (as it is for nearly EVERYONE), keep going…


Step 4:
Reinforce your great friend qualities with examples.

Under each point, write an example of when you’ve seen yourself being this way with someone else. Don’t worry if you can’t come up with a specific example, use general examples that you know are true for you. If you’re really having a hard time, go through a photo album or FB feed. This can be great at jogging memories. Alternatively, call someone who knows you well and ask for their help in brainstorming examples. They’re there, I promise.


Ex:
Specific: I surprised Joe with a home-made birthday card for his 30th.

Or,

General: “Most of the time I remember birthdays and love giving people presents or making cards.”

BOOM! Now you have a list of the things that you’re solid at as a friend already. With these examples you have concrete evidence for yourself that this is true. YOU ARE ALREADY A GOOD FRIEND. You’ve got this. No convincing needed.


Step 5:
Cross-reference your friendship qualities with those you want.

Pull out your “Ideal Friendship List” from the last blog

http://findsocialfreedom.com/start-with-the-end-in-mind-how-to-make-new-friends-you-really-want-to-hang-out-with/

(Note: If you haven’t made your “Ideal Friendship List” yet, go back and do this exercise. It’s super important for your long-term friendship success).


This is where you get really honest with yourself… Look at each piece that you WANT in a friend.

Ask yourself two questions:


Question 1: Which of these are you already doing? Great! (You can add them to your “reasons why I make a good friend” list).


Question 2: Which of these are you not yet doing? 

Take a minute now and do this.
Got it?
Ok.


Step 6:

Step up your friendship game.

Ok, here’s where you have to step it up. You can’t ask someone to be a friend for you in a way that you’re not open to being for them. So here’s how we address it so that you can step up your friendship game:

Flip over your “Reasons why I make a good friend list.”

Write on the back, “Ways I want to be a good friend.”

Write down any ways you WANT to be, but aren’t yet doing.

Pick one each week. Find a way of being that way for another person. Once you’ve done it, keep doing it (as opportunities arise), and add it to your list of “Reasons why I make a good friend”.

Be proud of yourself for actively choosing to improve your friendship skills.

Watch as you get positive results from these actions. Take in the experience of what it’s like to be a good friend, and how people respond. Keep adding to your list as you notice new ways that you’re a great friend. 

So, to recap, here’s how you escape the “I’m not good enough” trap and instead own the awesomeness that you bring to friendship already:


Step 1:
Take out a piece of paper. Write at the top, “Reasons why I make a good friend”.

Step 2:
Write down all the reasons that you make a good friend.

Step 3:
Own your great friend qualities.

Step 4:
Reinforce your great friend qualities with examples.

Step 5:
Cross-reference your friendship qualities with those you want.

Step 6:
Step up your friendship game by actively identifying where you’re asking someone to be a way you aren’t, and stepping it up to be that way for others.

See, you already have everything you need to be a great friend, and to up your game even more really easily. By owning all that you have to offer to a friendship you’ll silence the little voice inside that’s judging and making up unhelpful stories, and you’ll have the confidence to show up in friendship in a way that would naturally have people want to keep spending time with you BECAUSE YOU’RE A GREAT FRIEND, and they can tell because you own it.

Do these things and you’ll KNOW unequivocally that other people would want to be your friend… YOU would.

If you worry about what to say in making new friends up your communication skills and social confidence get your FREE training  that will give you the essential conversation tools to make great friends and keep the conversation flowing. Click www.FindSocialFreedom.com and enter your email address to get your free training & start making new friends with confidence today!

Your friend,

David

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